You came into my life in such a rush that I wasn’t mentally prepared. Yes I may have had my hospital bag packed for a couple of weeks prior, but I was not mentally ready. I had only attended one antenatal class, I didn’t know what to expect with counting contractions, when and how often to feed your newborn, even how to change a nappy.
Winging it, is what I must do best. To be honest I think this is what got me through those contractions, but when it comes to your newborn being place on your chest just moments after arriving into the world, not really knowing what happens next, it was really surreal. I wasn’t really sure what to feel. I didn’t have that gush of love, it was all too soon and didn’t feel real. You didn’t latch on moments after being born although we had lots of lovely skin to skin. I wasn’t sure what was supposed to happened next, made to walk to the shower, whilst they sorted you out. Still wondering why you didn’t latch. Then wheeled round to the ward, where your dad was told to leave after arriving at 6 am and told breakfast would be at 7 am. It was a whirlwind, there I sat on my own for an hour not sleeping, as I really wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing. No one really asked me if I was okay in those early hours. I was in shock and it was time to learn how to be your mum.
Breastfeeding didn’t start off well, I soon learned you were jaundiced and too tired to latch on. I spent many hours trying to hand express, which I tell you is hard work trying to catch into a syringe. You needed more than what I was able to produce to try and help with the jaundice, I even got told that my milk supply probably would never be that great with you being prem. But if there was one wish, I wanted to make sure you had the choice. If we didn’t make it, I wanted to know that I tried my hardest. To which I ended up with oversupply! It was hard work in the beginning breastfeeding, you don’t really get the time to enjoy that bond you create, you are just going through the motions and trying to keep those eyes open whilst feeding you in the small hours! But we are still going 12 months later, I never did think we would make it, it’s the only time you sit still (to a certain degree) and I can sneak in those cuddles and smell the top of your head. You are so very precious.
It has been a rollercoaster of emotions over the last 12 months. From frustration when you really wanted to be off on your way but just couldn’t get it right, until one day you did and haven’t stopped since, to worrying that I am doing right by you, do you need more time outside, do you need more interaction with other babies, have you eaten or drank enough….the list goes on. To happiness and love, which I have never felt so strong before.
I used to worry that we don’t have much family or have what I perceive as normal family outings. Grandad is unfortunately not well, he probably will never be how I remember him with me as a child, which is very sad. He would love to take you to all places or to the park to feed the ducks, but we will live in hope that he may want to actually follow through with his words. He loves you very much, but in his own very unique way. But we make a great team you, me, daddy and Caramel. Nana loves you so much and bring her happiness into her life and is looking forward to looking after you when mummy has to go to work. We have exciting times ahead and lots of adventures! But for what we lack in family we make up for in amazing friends, old and new, you have made lots of little friends too, which I know you love spending time with and that makes my heart melt.
I have enjoyed our time together just you and me, being mum but I do also feel I have lost touch of who I am. I don’t have time for hobbies, or much time to go to the gym like I used to, me time means something different now. I feel lonely a lot of the time and I don’t think i am the only mum who feels that way. I love being your mum but I think I need to find Lindsay again. Part of that means going back to work in a few weeks and you starting nursery, this is another hurdle we will have to cross, a new routine, I almost feel like I am waiting to start the Lindsay part of my life again, who is she now, I’m not sure anymore.
Here is to the next 12 months!